Thunderbolt of Lightning...

Part of the Hen Weekend celebrations included a matinee of We Will Rock You and during the showstopping finale as die-hard Queen fans moshed then swayed to Bohemian Rhapsody, I couldn’t help but think of the impending sale of Voltage, the farmer’s bull.

Geddes Voltage, to give him his full pedigree name, is a delightful 6 year-old Belgian Blue bull who has been with the dairy herd for the past 4 years. What makes him so distinctive, apart from his beautiful mottled cream and grey colouring and placid nature, is the fact that he is double muscled; a physical trait that makes him look like a pumped up bovine body builder.

Although much of the breeding here is done by artificial insemination, Voltage joined the herd to ‘mop up’ the rest, so to speak. And with 170 girly cows to choose from, you may well think lucky Voltage, except that despite his incredible stockiness, he is a little on the short side for all those leggy Holstein-Friesian lovelies...

So unfortunately, it was off to the auction mart for Voltage on Monday, but only after a false start two weeks earlier. The lovable bruiser was supposed to go to auction a fortnight ago, but on the morning of the sale the farmer discovered his ear tag was missing – it had been there the night before. ‘He’s torn it out because he doesn’t want to leave us,’ I declared unhappily, ‘this is his home!’

Alas, all my highly emotive and impractical protestations were in vain. The farmer drove Voltage the short distance to Dingwall Auction Mart on Monday, and at the risk of ruining my reputation as a BFW, I decided it was my duty to go to the sale too, to say goodbye.

Perched nervously beside the farmer in a prime ringside seat, we watched seasoned bidders buy up breeding heifers and calves before it was time for Voltage to come trundling out. I felt like an anxious parent, looking on protectively as the stewards in their white coats prodded him with their sticks – leave him alone! I wanted to shout.

It only took a few minutes for the soft brute to fetch a price the farmer was happy with and when he ambled out of the ring, I had tears in my eyes. Turning round, I saw that the farmer was sad too.

‘You okay?’ I asked gently, putting my hand on his. ‘I’m fine,’ he said, patting my hand and clearing his throat manfully, ‘at least Voltage will get some action now.' Men!